drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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