she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
