I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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