His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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