Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
