I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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