I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize