i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
