that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
