this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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