My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I wish there were birth control emojis
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
