What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
