guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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