Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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