Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
