I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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