Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize