i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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