Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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