That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize