There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
