I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
