Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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