You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
