All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
