if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize