I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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