Jerry, you need to find god
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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