Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
