I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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