I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize