I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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