I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
