he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Reggie can tackle my bush.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
