so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
