Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
