I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
