I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
