It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
So squirting runs in the family.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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