I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
