I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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