On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
