Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Enjoy the penises
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
