Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
