No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize