Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize