My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
