Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
