why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize