Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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