We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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