Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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