Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
