Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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