I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
