I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
