im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize