Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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