like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
