I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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