Who wears a wallet chain?!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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