Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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