my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
