Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
