and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
