i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
