What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
