Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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