He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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