i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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