I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I am in a vortex of obligation.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
