when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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