Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
