I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
