Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
