So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
